Transparently

This is not easy for me to admit, yet I can admit it to you. I want to be near you so I can hold you, and tell you that I am here. I am true. I am available to you. I want to tell you its ok, I want you to see the hue that you saw inside the smile I gave you.

Truth is what I want at this moment is more important. The fact of the matter hurts my heart more to know that I thought I was doing the right thing for you. It sounded good, felt good, worked out right and paid the bills, yet emotions are broke, and that is not good news. 

The distance I keep to allow a lie to lie in me is growing. I’m showing a weakness by letting my heart open to view. I’m sorry havent been there.

Wait.

No, I’m not sorry. If I was I would have done more, sacrificed more.

I didn’t. I’m so confused. I thought if I did more, I would be more. If I chased my dreams that I would aid you in reaching your dreams, yet that’s not true. I thought in finding my purpose I would gain a clearer view.

I did, but I didn’t.

I need you, and now you are growing and you need me. I need you to see the man who will be the vision of what you will want in him.

I can’t win!

My heart screams purpose, yet my purpose is for you both to be my first priority. In my heart I thought I was doing the best thing, when the worst thing happened, I saw me for me. I saw my dreams, I thought it was my time, my season. I reasoned with reason, I prayed for the wrong things and got my permissive answer, without hearing a word.

I’m scared that my job will not be the purpose of my life. I’m afraid of working a job I do not like. I’m afraid of looking at you like you are the reason my life, isn’t my life. Yet the smile on your faces make me realize I can help you be a good wife.

I am not happy with who I am for you. I am nowhere near what I see in myself, I can only imagine how you feel when I am not in your view. I have struggled with the reality that I may live my life, but it will be void of you.

I cannot live the way I want, if it is contrary to what you need from me. I’m sorry my selfishness is missing the growth that others witness. It’s not the distance but the physical witness you cannot see from me. You want to see me, and I want to see you, honestly I see my growth, yet I see that I am void without you.

I want to be a man for you. I have to work, I have to provide.

My best opportunity lied miles away, in a far away place that left states of space, and hope often felt erased.

My career can wait.

Do I believe that statement, or say it with an empty face?

I say I want to teach and reach you, yet I have to be able to reach your heart and teach you that sacrifice is a part of Love too.

I need to take my advice if I want you to be everything that God has purposed you to be.

I apologize, Daddy is sorry.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: